Often during a first date, you're just waiting for a "spark," connection, or literally any sign that justifies you spending your time with this person you barely know. But sometimes (a lot of the time) that doesn't happen. It might take a few drinks or a handful of first-date questions for you to realise that you're not feeling it, or it might hit you the second you see the person IRL. And when that happens, how do you get the hell out of there?
Don't be vague, says Kendra Knight, PhD, assistant professor of communication at DePaul University, who studies communication and relationships. "People don't communicate clearly enough when they aren't attracted to a person," Dr. Knight says. It can feel easier and kinder to just be vague and let someone down easy, but that often leads to more uncertainty, she says.
"Sometimes to avoid hurt feelings, people use euphemisms like, I'm not feeling the spark, or I'm not looking for a relationship," she says. "That may make for a smoother exit, but it can leave the other party's head spinning." Comments like those also make you wonder if everyone in the dating scene is looking for "love at first sight." (Hint: Not necessarily.) "Ambiguity and uncertainty come up again and again as major challenges in contemporary dating, therefore I'd advise against euphemism or subtlety," Dr. Knight says.
That said, being honest isn't a license to be unkind. "Rather, it's a choice to be fair and transparent," Dr. Knight says. Ahead are some exit strategies that you might want to try, according to Dr. Knight and dating and relationship expert Anita Chlipala, LMFT.
If you're going to be straightforward, you'll feel better about it if you pad your statement with something self-deprecating, Dr. Knight says. You can literally say, "Most people usually beat around the bush about this," or "this is probably going to sound blunt," and it will let them down easier than just telling them that you don't think you want to date them.
The most straightforward way you can tell someone that you're not attracted to them, is to say that you "don't see you and I together," Dr. Knight says. If that's what you think, then say it and stick to it. Some people might interpret this as a suggestion that you want them to change their behaviour to better suit what it is you're looking for, and will want a second chance. Of course, that is not always the case. So it's okay to be "direct but gentle" and tell them that in reality, you just aren't interested in them, Chlipala says.
It's important to communicate that you're respectful of someone else's time, Dr. Knight says. You can say something like, "I'm glad to have met you, but I think we might want to call the night early," and they'll get the picture, she says. There's a good chance they've been on a bad date before, too, and will appreciate you not wasting their time. And another thing about your own time: Most of the time it's not worth it to wait it out in hopes that the date will get better, because if your gut says there's nothing happening, there probably isn't.
"Your actions set the stage for ending the date," Chlipala says. So, don't do anything that would prolong the date unnecessarily. Offer to go close the tab if you're at a bar, or speak up when a server asks you if you're finished.
If the date itself was lukewarm, but not warm enough for you to go home with someone, you should ask them which direction they're headed first. That way you can just say you have to go in the opposite direction. "Some will assign positive meaning to how much time you spend together, so ending it sooner rather than later if you're not feeling a connection is the best option," Chlipala says.
Here's the thing about telling white lies: They are perfectly fine, Chlipala says. "If you feel like something is 'off' with a date, I will prioritise my safety over being honest with a person, so I think a white lie is acceptable," she says. If you don't have a dog, there's no sense going overboard with lies. Instead, you could try something like, "My flatmate is locked out!" or "I have an early morning meeting that I have to prep for."
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