There’s a misconception about therapy that I suspect puts a lot of people off. It’s that picture of a therapist sitting with their hands on their lap, displaying every bit of “attentive body language” they learned in therapy school and saying “Hm, well how do you think you should feel? Hm, well what do you think you should have said? Hm, well how do you think your parents affected the way you view relationships?” It’s a damaging perception that the therapist is nothing more than an expensive mirror – who doesn’t actually say anything helpful or constructive, just passively listens, absorbs and then asks you the same question back.
If that was the case, there’d be no point in going to see a therapist, and every point in spending more time talking to yourself in the mirror – in which case, you should probably see a therapist. Yes, in therapy you evaluate why you think, say, and do the things you do, but you reach conclusions with your therapist, and – certainly in the experiences of the seven men and women ahead – the therapist is active, giving advice, being constructive, offering solutions tailored to your needs.
Often, these solutions come in the form of practical “takeaways”, a bit like mantras that make particular sense to that person. Ahead, we asked eight men and women to share their takeaways – the phrases given to them by their therapists that helped them the most.
Therapy can be painful, upsetting, uncontrollable and exhausting, but it can also be a lifeline. And, if you find the right therapist, they can become an active hero in the story of your life.
HANNAH, 32, STYLIST
"What proof do you have?"
"It's so easy to get caught up in a spiral of negative thoughts. Ask yourself what proof you have that these thoughts are true. Listen to the facts and ignore the negativity."
SARAH, 29, WRITER
"If you try to be perfect at everything, you will fail."
"My therapist taught me that being very good at something, as opposed to perfect at it, is usually more than enough. If you expect yourself to be perfect at everything, you're going to feel rubbish all the time. Start to accept that in many instances: 'this is good enough.'"
CHARLIE, 26, PHOTOGRAPHER
"Understand what is within your control."
"Dealing with situations that are out of your control are the toughest to manage. In the past few years, I have attended 10 psychology sessions to help tackle continuous feelings of guilt stemming from living on the other side of the world with a family member suffering from severe depression. The sessions helped me understand what is within my control and to only worry about what I can actually have an impact on. This, alongside some basic meditation and mindfulness have ensured I have been able to look after my own mental health and become aware of ‘emotional triggers’."
JEMMA, 36, DOCTOR
"It's good to talk."
"While I was growing up, I was told if I was struggling with something emotionally, it was a sign that I was weak and the strong thing to do was to suppress those emotions and keep them inside. My counsellor told me to do the opposite. She told me to talk when I was struggling and let other people know how I felt. This has changed everything for me. Having the support of my friends and family makes me feel stronger and able to deal with anything life throws at me. Sometimes it's hard to talk about things, but I'm always glad I did."
JACK, 40, ARTIST
"Be in receive mode, rather than on transmit all the time."
"Tune in to other people's feelings; give them what they need first. Fit in, rather than always trying to stand out. Accept that ordinary is a more comfortable state."
LAURA, 32, WRITER
“Build a toolkit.”
"People and things that make you feel good, rather than physical objects. A go-to masseur. Great friends. A cat. A walk by the sea. Headspace. An imaginary friend to challenge that inner voice. A run round the park. Turning off email notifications. Your tool bag is as deep as Mary Poppins’ bag so fill it full with good vibes tools and dip into it as much as you need."
JESS, 29, TEACHER
"There are a million ways to react to any situation."
"Understand that your instinctive reaction to something isn’t the only way you can react to it. I learnt to consider other options before spiralling into a negative thought."
EMMA, 40, MARKETING DIRECTOR
"It's one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself."
"Humans are complex beings prone to overthinking to the point of creating unreal self-expectations that drive unnecessary, exhausting anxiety. A good therapist will empower you to acknowledge what's 'big' and enable you to move beyond it to a place of acceptance and calm. Humans are complex, fallible beings and so it's entirely normal to reach out for external therapeutic support."
Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here?
Fear & Soothing: How Sunday Became A Mood You Can Buy